Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dinner and a Show

I had the privilege of keeping the kids this past Saturday.  This is normally the day they go to their father’s but he had been sick so this was an unexpected privilege.  We had nothing planned and it had been so cold the past week, we had a case of cabin fever.  I thought it would be nice to get out of the house and burn off some of this energy these kids stole from me! 
We went to the classiest joint I could think of, I am sure you know the kind I am talking about, the kind of place where only the most elite group of people dines.  A place that is laced in gold and you can smell the elegance the moment you walk into the door.  The people are there to serve you and you always receive a smile with your entree…Mc Donald’s. 
We quickly rushed towards the beautiful shiny box that only newest model are showcased.   These toys are not only super posh but they come boxed in their very own carrying case.  Carefully trying to make educated guesses on which one they might get, They decided that Tybee wanted a beautiful unicorn and Teague a monster truck that was refined enough to let you customize the truck yourself with stickers.  We finally order, trying to contain our excitement and we walk away with our stupendous stack of Cheeseburgers (my inner fancy Nancy is showing through). 
The kids and I made a verbal agreement that if they ate dinner like civilized human beings that they could play in the wonderful world just beyond the glass doors.  With this agreement in place, we had a lovely dinner as a sophisticated family.  Teague even was wearing underwear and went on the potty there.  He got extra point, so of course I had to hold up to my end of the deal.  I cleaned off the table with my lovely helpers and gathered those darling little coats up.
We headed through the crystal clear enchanted doors (covered in knee level fingerprints).  Just as before, the elegant new smell caught my attention.  Let me make this perfectly clear as to just how elegant this smell was, if you would combine gym socks, old sneakers, and then throw in a locker room, bottled it up and sprayed this perfume all over yourself you would have a dense version of  this aroma.  Now I have been in the wonderful, germ- filled, sauna that is known as a play place by common folk, but this particular day swept me off my feet.
The kids’ shoes are off in a flash and they perfectly put them in the correct cubbies next to one another.  They take of f, instantly making friends in this tubular primary colored world.  I try to make the most of my time catching up on emails on my phone and chatting with my mother in the most “peace” I have ever accomplish when I am on the phone (that’s a whole other blog).  We start chatting about how disgusting the play place can be and I am starting to squirm on the bench Infested with discussed that I am now oddly aware of. Every time I catch Teague’s gaze, immediately ask “Do you have to go potty?” Then after a few conversations, my mother and I are off the phone.
I have then noticed Tybee found a friend from school whose mom just happens to be a teacher.  I recognize her (she must be having a chic evening out with her family also).  Tybee then takes off with her son.  Occasionally, I spot Teague in the window of the tunnels and he blows me a kiss every time.  My thoughts then go to how lucky I am with the two of them; they are such good kids. 
We have now been playing for about an hour.  I call the ten minute timer and of course I get the “awe man”.  Ten minutes flew by fast and I sent Tybee in to get her brother.  Just as she goes up the tunnel, Teague comes around the corner.  My proud glow suddenly starts to tarnish fast!  I look and Mr. Teague is holding his pants AND underwear in his arms.  Yes, my son is the kid who is naked in the McDonald’s Play Place.  Luckily, I was prepare ( like the awesome mom I am)  and brought extra pants and a pull-up but just as he gets to me I hear Tybee’s friend snickering to his mom.  Not only did my child disrobe in public, but he also did it in front of people I will have to see again!!
O, the joys of parenting…
These poor people just tried to come to an elegant place and dine…little did they know they were going to get dinner and a show as well!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Trash Monster

    You know how some people think there is a sock monster who steals all the socks out of the dryer?  I believe I have a trash monster named iDunno.  This monster, who I am sure is cute just like the ones from Monsters Inc., does quite the opposite.  A trash monster is the one who destroys your house while you are sleeping!   You know it had to be him because you spent all day cleaning this beautiful house and it looked spectacular no less.  Somehow by the time you wake up in the morning your house is a wreck.  There are shoes everywhere and toys all over, your bra in the middle of the living room floor, and your toothbrush in the fireplace!  Well you and I both know that I did not put them there! 
 **Disclaimer: Unless of course it was margarita night.. and in that case please disregard all above and below statements.**  :)
   Yes, I know what you are thinking, "Don't you have two kids?".  I do and they are lovely little sweethearts.  You see....I know it could not be them. When asked if they made this mess they say, "I didn't do it".  I then question "who did it?" and they continue to explain "I dunno".  So now the case is closed .... it is Mr. iDunno the trash monster and his dirty scowling ways!
  Now I can only think of one LOGICAL way to beat out this trash monger.....  If only I could wiggle my cute little nose like Samantha Stephens. I would then have the powers to make my broomstick sweep up the trash, and the toys jump back into the box (okay think Samantha crossed with Marry Poppins). 
Just one *dinkle dinkle ding* and my house would be clean! Sounds good right?


    But if you know me as well as I know typical day would not be like those of Mary Poppins or Samantha Stevens.... O NO, I am more like Jeannie!  I try to make something great happen.... so I stand in my living room and cross my arms and do the most beautifully executed head nod  *POOF* there is now a giant spotted llama eating the trash in my living room and adding more crap ... literally!!!!! 

 But sadly, I do not have these OR any powers, so I guess I will just go hide in my nice clean bottle!

The Thinker

I've always wondered why people refer to sitting on the toilet "the thinker". These people must have never been mothers, or parents for that matter.  In my house you can barely get into the bathroom and close the door before someone "needs" to talk to you. I've even tried to sneak away and creep up the stairs, carefully choosing each stair, praying it wont squeak and blow my cover.  Just when I thought I was free, some little person discovers my absence and suddenly is about to pee their pants!!  Now if you are a mom you know that if your 2 year old needs to go potty you stop WHATEVER you are doing and support them!

The other day my 2year old come in wanting me to attach his Batman cape (of course) and then here comes my 7 year old needing help reading a word from her Ramona book.  Just when I thought the bathroom couldn't get any smaller her comes "Frenchy" the cat.  Who, by the way, can open up a door by pushing it in! 

Now that I let everyone and there dog (in this case cat) into share my bathroom experience with me,
I quickly fix everyone's problem and send them on their way. Just then I hear talking outside my door.

I peak out and I see ALL of  them line up like black Friday shoppers against the wall, just waiting for my door to open! Now believe you me that I LOVE being so popular in my house hold but even celebrities need their privacy from time to time.  You would think that I was hording candy or something by the response I was getting. 

The worst part is after they hear the flush and door open they say what they say and don't "need" to talk to me for hours. 

What can I say, I guess I am just old celebrity news!